#2560
Back at MSTblanca, again...
Date: 12/08/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
(After all that Legion and Nick rooha, everyone at the PM corporation has been kicking back and having a party. They even let STG stay for it. Then they quickly threw him out, when they remembered who he was. Now it's nighttime, and everyone at MSTblanca's asleep. And at that very moment outside...)
STG: Heh heh heh, I saw a huge safe under the bar counter! I bet it's full of cash. With all that money, I'll be able to buy my way into GROPE. (At this moment you see he's standing in front of the electric fence that's up during the nights around MSTblanca. STG puts on some rubber gloves and golashes(sp?) and scales it without getting shocked.)
(Meanwhile inside all of PM's crew are in their rooms, except for Sam and Buffalo, who are on guard duty... Or are supposed to be. They're asleep on the pool table.)
STG: (Creaking the window open, and getting in slowly) Coasts clear... (Slithers across the floor to the counter, quickly and silently. He gets in front of the safe, and carefully pulls out a crow bar, and gently pries it into the frame of the door) Now gently... (Begins to pry gently, and then...) YAAAAAAAHHH!!! (Starts going ape-shit on it, first tugging wildly at the door, then bashing it with the crow bar, then swinging it around, and throwing it all over the place) *Crash* (The safe flies into the juke box) *SMASH* (The safe goes careening into the big mirror behind the counter) *SHATTER* (Right into the display of porcelain, miniature, collectible PM figures in the gift shop)
(Amazingly through all of this, Sam and Buffalo don't wake up.)
STG: *Huff* *pant* There, it's open... (Yes, the door actually busted open) Now let's see what's in here... Hey, it's filled with a bunch of signed blank checks, owned by PM! Yeeeeha! PM's rich, so I can take as much money as I want! Then I'll buy my way into GROPE! Ha, screw those idiots who think money can't buy happiness!
(And STG runs out of MSTblanca with handfuls of signed, blank checks, and also a few other items... Like T-Shirts from the gift shop("I ate a MSTblanca", "I love PM", "Eat at MSTblanca, or PM will hurt me!"), a few beer mugs, records out of the juke box, and all the pennies out of the "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray. Also before leaving STG takes Buffalo's hand and places it on Sam's ass. Heh heh, that should make for an akward moment in the morning. Oh, and he also uses a marker he found behind the counter to draw a mustache and goatee on PM's portrait. There, that's enough wantant thievery and destruction of property.)
STG: (On his way to GROPE HQ) Now to buy me some friends!
ServoTheShallow
Screw proofreading too!
#2561
and now.
Date: 12/09/2002
From: Tork_110
The Tork theme song.
(idea completely stolen from Homestar Runner dot com
it makes more sense if you watch this:
http://www.homestarrunner.com/cheatvideo.html )
Who's biggest rival is named Rorque?
The Tork!! The Tork!!
Who is always dressed like Torque?
The Tork!! The Tork!!
Who talks about Nuveena as much as he please?
The Tork!! The Tork!!
Who's going to stare at Lita's knees?
The Tork!! The Tork!!
Who always messes with PM's mind?
The Tork!! The Tork!!
Who's making out with Lita6969?
The Tork!! The Tork!!
Who's the guy who invented poin?
The Tork!! The Tork!!
Who can't think of a good rhyme for poin?
The Tork!! The Tork!!
THE TORK!! THE TORK!!
"The" Tork_110
So, what do you think?
#2562
I.....like it!!!
Date: 12/10/2002
From: manosgirl
woo hoo! [manosgirl dances to Tork's theme song] yay!
manosgirl
Mickey-smoocher
fsm...
#2562
Shall we return to the rp? :o)
Date: 12/15/2002
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
Loved the song, Tork........................................
<Lita, Rimmi, and Tork are exiting the hospital. They're better enough to go home now and they've been discharged! Even Tork gets to leave, despite the fact that he is still carrying the Blahplehstian flu. But he has been given lots of pills to keep him from getting all scary.>
Lita: Yay! We're free! So now what do we do?
Rimmi: I guess there isn't much to do except maybe go back to Diabolik's lair and reclaim it now that Diabolik and Eva are gone.
Tork: Sounds good to me, you stupid bitches. <Rimmi and Lita glare at Tork> Oh f***!! I didn't mean that sh**! I couldn't help it! I've got the Blahplehstian flu!
Lita: Nice language.
Rimmi: Take your medicine, Tork.
<As Tork starts struggling with the child-proof cap on his pill bottle, Lita looks around.>
Lita: Wasn't Mickey with us when we came here?
Rimmi: He was. But now he's not and we have Tork instead. It's like a trade!
Tork: <still working on the pill bottle> Son of a... Sh**!!
Lita: Tork! Please! Now... Where'd Mickey go?
Tork: Who cares?! Let's throw the bastard out of GROPE!! GAH!!! I hate this f***ing pill bottle!!1!!
Lita: Oh for crying out loud! <she takes the bottle from Tork, opens it, and hands him one of the pills.> Here!
Tork: I hate each and every one of your clones. <He swallows the pill>
Lita: You're welcome.
Rimmi: <ignoring this entire exchange> I'm sure I don't know where Mickey is. I can't keep track of every single thing he decides to do. Look, we can't wait around here all day for Mickey to show up. I really hate hospitals. Let's just go, ok?
Lita: Oh... all right... I guess if Mickey wants to find us he knows where Diabolik's lair is. Now where'd Spidey go?
<Spidey, right on cue, comes out from behind the bush he was hiding in and runs up to Lita.>
Lita: Hiya Spidey! <she opens the driver's door and climbs in>
Tork: <Feeling very happy and a little sleepy now that the pill has had a chance to work.> Hello, pretty spider! Do you wanna be petted?
Rimmi: Just get in, Tork.
<Rimmi pushes Tork into Spidey's back seat and then climbs in behind him. The doors close and Lita drives everybody to Diabolik's Lair. I could write you a nice driving scene here, but frankly I don't want to write it, and you don't want to read it. Let's just say they get there without incident. Spidey enters Diabolik's Lair, and Lita, Rimmi, and Tork climb out.>
Tork: What a dump!
<This isn't the Blahplehstian Flu talking. Tork's mood has swung back to somewhere near normal, for now. The lair really is a mess.>
Lita: Oh, crap.
Rimmi: Who knew Diabolik and Eva were such pigs?
Lita: I hate cleaning.
Rimmi: Well, at least we have a couple of clones here to help us out? Don't we?
<Rimmi poins at Carmelitas 6969 and 42 who, it just so happens, are here. They both wave hello.>
Lita: Hey, you guys! What are you doing here?
42: I've been here. I've been trying to clean this place up since Diabolik and Eva left, but it's really gross and I hate cleaning.
6969: I've been waiting for Mickey. He asked me to meet him here a while ago. Is he with you guys?
<Before any continuity police start freaking out, the conversation 6969 is referring to happened conveniently outside the posting, where we couldn't see it. Mickey's been busy lately, he obviously forgot all about his appoinment.>
Lita: Um, no. He's not. We don't know where he is.
6969: Awww... *sniff*
Tork: Don't feel bad. Mickey's always running off by himself.
6969: Torky!!1!!
<Carmelita6969 runs over to Tork and jumps into his arms. Tork didn't have any time to prepare for this and he topples over.>
Tork: Ack!!1!!
Rimmi: We'd better clean this place up.
Lita: Crud.
42: Tork, will you stop lying around and help us?
<Tork says something to Lita42. We can't really make it out because 6969 happens to be smooching him at the moment, but that's probably for the best.>
***
<Quite a long time later. Everybody's been working hard, and the lair is all clean again.>
Rimmi: Yay! We're done! The lair is all ours once again!
Lita: I don't know. Something just doesn't seem right. Something's... missing.
42: I know what you mean.
6969: Me too.
<The three Litas crowd around an empty space by one wall. A space that used to not be so empty.>
Lita: It's just not the same.
42: You're right. The lair just looks wrong without a man encased in gold up against this wall. We really need to get another one of those!
<Tork gulps nervously>
42: Oh, I wasn't talking about you!
<Tork scuttles out of the room anyway. 42 is deeply offended, but says nothing.>
6969: I think I know what to do!
<She also leaves the room. Amazingly enough, she was not running off to keep Tork company, as she returns pretty quickly. She is carrying something under her arm. It turns out to be a large poster. She unrolls it and puts it on the wall. It looks like this:
http://radiantslab.com/catsmeow/u2/bono/macphisto_sofa.jpg
If Tork were here to see it he'd probably absolutely hate it. But he's not. How unfortunate for him. Maybe some day he'll learn to be nice to Lita clones, and then he might have a say in the decorating scheme.>
Lita: I love it!!!
42: Ooo! Me too! I didn't know you had that!
6969: Yeah, well...
Lita: She was probably afraid one of the other Litas would steal it.
6969: Well?
Lita: Yeah, that was probably a reasonable fear. But don't worry, I won't let any of them take it. I like it!
Rimmi: ...
Lita: What was that?
Rimmi: It certainly is gold.
Lita: Yeah!
Rimmi: *sarcastic* Not at all tacky.
Lita: *completely missing the sarcasm* I'm glad you agree!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Yay!!! We finally got our lair back!!!
Despite all my efforts, this post was very long.
Sorry.
#2564
(PM wakes up with a hangover)
Date: 12/17/2002
From: St_Mickalous
(He walks over to his portrait and gazes at it)
PM: (Grabs his chin) Hmmmm....I need a shave....(Looks around) GAH!!! My bar, my beautiful bar!!!
Sam: I don't know what happened Big Daddy, this is not mellow.
PM: My safe! My beautiful safe!
Buffalo: Hey, luuk at the teevee. It's that ServoD2 fellur.
Sam: I swear, I thought he was Jerry Garcia.
PM: I keep telling you he's dead and he's not 17 years old.
(Watches the security camera footage)
Sam: What are we going to do?
PM: Forget about it....I have bigger fish to fry.
Buffalo: Mmmmm....frayed fish.
PM: (Gets a big box out of his closet) Linky devised this while Nick was playing in fantasy land. It's a pop up bomb. Set to go off when people want to see internet porn...mwa ha ha ha ha ha....
Voice: Stop right there, evi doer!!!
PM: *Gasp!* You?
Jimmy: Yes, it is I! Jimmy Mobius! Captain of the Justice Rangers! And I have returned to stop your UnGodly pursuits..
PM: Ah....but internet porn's illeagel and a sin! How about that?
Jimmy: Er....my wife likes it.
Sam: (Makes a whipcrack noise) Er, *cough*
Jimmy: You should take something for that cough.
Another voice: Dang blaed whippersnappers, all evil's done on computers....back in my day we didn't need that crap. (Voice emerges)
PM and Jimmy: *Gasp* Grampa Mobius!!!!!!!!
Jolly old St. Mick
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Post Narc x4
Cara's getting some stuff out of the car...yeah, really. Trust me! No I have no idea why she didn't try to stop Grampa Mobius from going in. Really!
#2565
Attention! Correction!
Date: 12/17/2002
From: St_Mickalous
That's Pop Up Ad bomb. :oO I know, ewwwwwww!
MTG etc
#2566
You know what's not funny?
Date: 12/21/2002
From: LinkyDragonclaw
Writing a long reply and then having your browser spaz out on you so it gets lost while you're trying to submit and you lose the entire thing. *exasperated sigh* From the top, then. . .
After a long hiatus due to the intervenous and unecessary opposition to internet use by parental units, Linky Dragonclaw returns in this action-packed adventure! It's a tale of . . . action! And adventure!
Gun: Bang! Pow!
Person: Jump! Dodge!
Building: 'Splodey! BLAM!
A tale of suspense. . .
Person 1: And then he. . .
Person 2: . . . yes?!
Person 1: He. . . arrrGGG!!!!! Random death! YAAARR!
A tale of romance!
Servo: Niner. . . I've always loved you!
Niner: Oh, Servo! You make my systems short circuit!
Don't miss it! Linky Wars: Episode III: The Wrath of Khan!
And now, back to your regular programming. . .
(Linky and Niner sit on a rocking platform. We soon notice that the platform is actually the bottom of a capsized boat, which is sitting in the middle of a random Body of Water with no land mass in sight.)
Linky: *grumbles* This is all that Servo's fault! First we were supposed to be spying on Nick, and NOW at us!
Niner: Forgive me for my forgetfulness, but I imagine I must've been offline at the time. Enlighten me. How did we end up here, again?
Linky: I told you, it's all Servo's fault! Damn him! I'll get him for this if it's the last thing I do!
Niner: I still don't undertand what happ--
Linky: Yes, DAMN THAT SERVO IN THE EAR!!!! *shakes her fist menacingly in the air for a few minutes before her arm gets tired and she gives up.*
Niner: [insert pitiful, mechanical sigh here]
(Crickets chirp in the ensuing silence, which is really something since they're in a vast expanse of water. Possibly salt. We're not quite sure. So it's safe to assume that the crickets are salt-water crickets. Or fresh-water crickets. It really depends.)
Niner: Do you have any ideas for getting us out of this predicament?
Linky: No. . . I already raided my pockets and I only had a few jellybeans and a rubber shuriken. I don't think the Rubber Shinobi can help us, now. . . what about you? Anything in your pockets?
Niner: . . .
Linky: . . .
Niner: Considering the great amount of folds in the clothing I wear all the time, I'm sure that in at least one of them there has to be something. . .
Linky: . . .
Niner: No, miss, I don't have anything.
Linky: Well you could've said so in the first place.
Niner: I don't HAVE pockets, Linky, all I have are my wires, hard drive, and satellite connection. . .
Linky: ! Gasp! Exclamation! And other such outbursts of revelation! Niner, you're a genius!
Niner: Beg your pardon?
Linky: That's it, I can use your satellite connection to send a distress call!
Niner: But that would require sending it to something that my systems are configured to. There aren't many things that the general public can have access to that are altered to my settings.
Linky: No, there is! The thing I was working on before sent off to spy on Nick!
Niner: The. . . Pop-Up Ad Bomb? You configured that to my connection?
Linky: Well I had to set it off from some place. All I have to do is set it so that instead of taunting the victim, my message displays an S.O.S. Then we set it off and bingo! We're saved!
Niner: Assuming whoever receives the message isn't too horribly damaged in the resulting blast.
Linky: Bah! Pish Posh! They'll be fine. Now, I'm gonna setting a new message, you start looking for porn.
Niner: Bed your pardon?!
Linky: Come on, you need to set the bomb off! And none of that soft-core stuff, either, it needs to be ronchy enough to get anyone's attention.
Niner: You must be joking.
Linky: It's either that or certain death! And you can't expect ME to look for it, I'm young and innocent!
Niner: . . .
Linky: . . . .
Niner: . . . .
Linky: Yeah, that's right, get to work. This'll be done in a second.
~~
She slices, she dices, highly versatile, malleable, ductile, impervious, imperious, new and improved - Linky Dragonclaw!
Returning from the horrors of parental-induced schoolwork!
Writing a shorter reply because her first one got wasted and she's too irritated to go through it all again! (Let someone else handle the kablammy part. Weeee. . .)
#2567
Lita: And now a break...
Date: 12/21/2002
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
...from our regularly scheduled rp..........................
Lita: ...So that I may present "A Very Lita Christmas Special!"
<Lita is standing on a stage wearing her elf costume. Her audience is made up of TftD characters, both major and minor parts. Pretty much anybody who's been in TftD who isn't in Lita's act is in the audience. They applaud politely. Well... most of them do. Tork has had a little too much egg nog, and he's applauding a bit more raucously than you might expect at a Christmas play.>
Tork in the audience: WOOOOO!!1!!!1!! YEAH!!1!!
Lita: *smile* Welcome to the show! I can't celebrate Christmas all by myself, so let me introduce my special Christmas friends!
<There is more applause as Evil Mike walks onstage wearing some fuzzy antlers on his head and a red plastic ball on his nose. There is applause and a lot of whistling when Carmelita6969 follows him, wearing a Mrs. Clause costume.>
Lita: 6969! What happened to your costume?
6969: Um... It was like this when you gave it to me?
Lita: I'm sure the skirt wasn't that short when I gave it to you!
6969: Um... It shrunk in the wash?
Lita: Never mind... Where's 42? She's supposed to be out here too.
42: <offstage> I don't want to come out!!
Lita: Oh, don't be silly! Come on and join the fun!
***
Tork in the audience: Yeah!!! Quit whinining you big whining baby!!1!! WOOOOO!!1!!
<Tork earns several angry glares and some shushes from the TftDers seated around him. 42 reluctantly comes out onto the stage.>
***
42: I just don't see why I have to be Santa.
Lita: I told you! It was the only part left.
42: But this beard is so itchy! Besides, I'm a girl! Why couldn't Evil Mike be Santa? Then I could be the reindeer. I think I'd make a cute reindeer!
Lita: Evil Mike can't be Santa because Lita6969 is Mrs. Clause.
6969: I sure am, Honey!
42: Ick! Er, um, I mean, well, why can't you be Mrs. Clause, Lita? And then I could be the reindeer and Evil Mike can be Santa and--
Lita: <as if this should be blindingly obvious> I can't be Mrs. Clause! I have to be the Elf! That's my bit! It's what I am on Christmas!
***
Tork in the audience: WHY DON'T YOU GUYSSHSHUT UP AND JUSSSHT DO YER PLAY??!1!
Linky in the audience: Oi! Quiet, you!
STG in the audience: Yeah! We're trying to watch the play!
<Audience Member Mickey trout-slaps Tork>
Rimmi in the audience: *Thank* you!
***
Lita: It's too late for a costume change now. Let's just do the song. <6969 hands her a piece of paper> This is it? Ok.
EM: You'd think we would have rehearsed this earlier. You know, at least once.
Lita: We were going to but *you* were too busy telling little kids horrible things about Santa, remember?
EM: Heh heh... Yeah... Little Billy cried...
Lita: >:o( Evil Mike, you can be so mean sometimes!
6969: <on the verge of tears> Can everybody quit fighting?? You're ruining Christmas!!
Lita: Yes, ok. Sorry, 6969. Let's do the song!
<The music swells>
EM: o/` Up on the housetop reindeer pause o/`
42: o/` Out jumps good old Santa Clause! o/`
6969: o/` Down thru the chimney with lots of toys o/`
Lita: o/` All for the little ones, Christmas Joys! o/`
6969: o/` Ho, ho, ho! o/`
42: o/` Who wouldn't go! o/`
6969: o/` Ho, ho, ho! o/`
42: o/` Who wouldn't go! o/`
Lita: Hold on a sec. How come 6969 is the one saying "Ho ho ho"?
6969: *giggle*
Lita: <just now getting the joke> Yeah. That's classy. And after all I've done to try to keep people from calling you that, too. 42, you're the one playing Santa. You say "Ho ho ho" from now on.
42: But I don't want people calling me that either!
EM: *snicker*
Lita: They won't.
EM: *I* will.
6969: I don't mind saying it.
Lita: Oh, hush! All of you! 42, you have to say "ho ho ho." Back to the song! From the beginning of that chorus, let's go!
<The music starts up again>
42: o/` Ho, ho, ho! o/`
6969: o/` Who wouldn't go! o/`
42: o/` Ho, ho, ho! o/`
6969: o/` Who wouldn't go! o/`
All: o/` Up on the housetop o/`
o/` Click, click, click! o/`
o/` Down thru the chimney with o/`
o/` Good Saint Nick! o/`
42: o/` First comes the stocking o/`
o/` Of little Nell o/`
6969: o/` Oh, dear Santa o/`
o/` Fill it well o/`
EM: o/` Give her a dolly o/`
o/` That laughs and cries o/`
(Wow! This is LAME!)
Lita: (Hush, Evil Mike!)
o/` One that will open o/`
o/` And shut her eyes o/`
42: o/` Ho, ho, ho! o/`
6969: o/` Who wouldn't go! o/`
42: o/` Ho, ho, ho! o/`
6969: o/` Who wouldn't go! o/`
All: o/` Up on the housetop o/`
o/` Click, click, click! o/`
o/` Down thru the chimney with o/`
o/` Good Saint Nick! o/`
42: o/` Next comes the stocking o/`
o/` Of little Will o/`
6969: o/` Oh, just see what o/`
o/` A glorious fill o/`
EM: o/` Here is a hammer o/`
o/` And lots of tacks o/`
Lita: o/` Also a ball o/`
o/` ...And a whip that cracks? o/`
EM: Woah!
Lita: My goodness!
6969: *giggle*
42: That can't really be the line.
6969: It is, I swear!
EM: Hey, Lita! Do you think Santa will give me a whip for Christmas?
Lita: No way! And that's it. This carol is too violent. We can't sing it anymore.
EM: <strangely hopeful> Do you think he'll give *you* a whip for Christmas, Lita?
6969: *giggle*
***
Tork in the audience: <having just recovered from the Trout Slap> COME ON, LITAS!!11 TAKE IT OFF!!11!!
***
Lita: <Blushing several shades of red> Gah! I can't take this anymore!
<Lita storms off the stage. Evil Mike follows her, presumably to ask about other potential gifts from Santa>
***
PM in the audience: That's it.
<PM signals to two of his shock troopers who drag Tork outside>
***
42: I knew we should have sung "Little Drummer Boy" instead. <She walks offstage.>
6969: I don't know what everybody else's problem is. I thought it was pretty good. <She follows>
FIN
(Anybody else have an act for the Out of Continuity Christmas Pageant?)
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
hopes the music parts weren't too hard to read
Sorry, Tork. SOMEBODY had to have that part.
This was strangely naughty for a Christmas reply.
#2568
And so we find our hero, ServoTheGreat,
Date: 12/21/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
hopelessly lost...
STG: (Actually he's in a cab, but still hopelessy lost...) Wait, cabbie, turn right! No left, wait it's right... Or was it left?
Lita364(The cabbie clone!): Jeez, Mac, look I know how to get to GROPE HQ. Hows about I jus' drive ya there, and you shut up?
STG: Oh no you don't! I know you cab driver, type, people... things... You're going to take the long way, and charge me more money!
Lita364: YOU'VE HAD ME GO DRIVIN' IN THE SAME GOD DAMN CIRCLE FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS!!! HOW MUCH LONGER COULD I POSSIBLY MAKE IT!!!
STG: Hey, are you insulting my intelligence!
364: I didn't say dat, chief.
STG: Yes you did! You people hate me! Everyone hates me! I hate all of you!
364: Jeez, you are bizarre. Dis is like, da fourth time you've blown up like that.
STG: I don't need to take this! Especially from a cabbie! Stop the car!
364: (Stops the car) Oh yeah? Well I don't need to take *this* from some psychotic imp!
STG: Stop makin' fun of me! (Storms out of the cab in a frenzy, knocking most of the stuff he stole all over the sidewalk, breaking most of it) I bid you good day, ASSHOLE!
364: Hey, where's my freakin' money?
STG: Fine, I'll pay you, you god damn *grumble* *grumble* How much is it gonna run me?
364: Well, for all that drivin' and verbal abuse, it's gonna cost you 8 billion dollars!
STG: (Pulls out one of PM's pre-signed blank checks) FINE! (Fills it out, and gives it to 364, and stomps of into the distance)
364: Whoa, I was jus' bien' sarcastic...
(Back at MSTBlanca...)
(Phone rings, and PM picks it up)
PM: Hello? Why hello, Bob Bobson, my accountant. How are you today. Uh huh.... uh huh... uh huh... Well, thank you. Say 'hi' to the wife and kids for me. Uh huh, you too. Bye now. (Slowly hangs up the phone, and sits for a moment silently. Then explodes!) GAH!!! I'm F*$&in' bankrupt!!! WHEN DID I GIVE A CHECK FOR 8 BILLION FREAKIN' DOLLARS!!! AAAAAAAA!!! (Curls up on the floor sobbing)
Nabut: Didn't STG steal your checks? He probably spent all the money.
PM: STG? Didn't I kill him?
Nabut: Well, no. You would've, but you said you had bigger fish to fry.
PM: I see... Well, we're going to kill him now!
(Pm runs into the garage, and pulls out a pick up truck. All his goons ride in the bed, holding shotguns. Hilly-billy get-away music is blaring from the radio)
(Elsewhere at GROPE HQ...)
(Knocking can be heard on the door)
Lita: Oh God... I wonder who that is...
(The door opens to reveal a young guy, and an older couple)
Young Man: Hello, we're going house to house in this town, looking for this person... (Shows Lita a photo. It's ServoTheGreat!)
Lita: Servo!? People are actually looking for him?
Older Lady: You've seen him?
Lita: Seen him? He won't leave us alone!
Older Lady: Oh, she's found Red!
Lita: Red?
Young Man: Why yes, that's his name. Red Blahstone.
Lita:...
Older Man: Yes, we're his parents, and this is his brother.
Lita: His name is, Red?
Older Woman: Oh, I remember when he ran away so many years ago... So he could be a super villian!
Older Man: Those comics were no good for him! Screwed up his brain real bad!
Young Man: So... Is he here right now?
Lita: Red? Huh... Oh no, but he should be here soon. It doesn't usually take him long to come back and pester us.
Older Woman: Oh good, then we can take him home finally!
So there... I've thrown yet another story arc into this mess! HA!
ServoTheGreat
#2569
<Lita poins at STG>
Date: 12/21/2002
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
.............................................................
The cabbie clone was 374. HA!!!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
#2570
[STG] Ah... this is the life!
Date: 12/22/2002
From: PharaohMobius
<<<Expensive Mode>>>
[STG snarfs down another lobster tail (yes, another. There are already two empty lobster tail shells.) and washes it down with grape Neehi. He's bought a lot of really pricy food in a swanky restaurant, and has wasted quite a bit of it, too.]
[STG] Swiping all that money was the best thing I ever did!
[The waiter, who's standing behind him, clears his throat.]
[STG] DAH! I mean, I didn't steal i-- It's my money! Honest!
[Waiter] Mmmm-hmmm. Anyway, your check, sir. [Hands STG the bill.]
[STG] Phew! $5000! Oh well, it's not my-- [He looks at the waiter, and fills out a pre-signed check.] Here ya go.
[Waiter] Thank you, sir. [He quickly handcuffs STG to his own wrist.]
[STG] Du-HUNH? Hey, what gives?
[Suddenly, half a a dozen federal agents come out of hiding and poin guns at STG. The "waiter" flashes an FBI badge at STG.]
["Waiter"] Well, it's been ten long years, but I've finally got you, Mobius. You're going away for a LONG time!
[STG] What? Oh! [He laughs nervously.] You think I'm Pharaoh Morbidity. No, I just stole his money and blank checks!
["Waiter"] Sure, Mobius. I know what a master of disguise you are. We've been watching your every move you since you started writing checks again. You've racked up quite a tally.
[STG] Heheheh... well, you know. I'm an impulse shopper.
["Waiter"] Well, you'll be glad to know that we've frozen your account, so you're going to have to work off the debt you've incurred.
[STG] Why am I supposed to be happy about that?
["Waiter"] Okay, I lied.
[Half an hour later, STG is being escorted into prison.]
[STG] You feds might have caught me, but I'll be out in 24 hours! You don't know who you're dealing with!
["Waiter"] Oh, but we do, Mobius. That's why you're being held without bail.
[STG, to himself (but too loudly)] Little does he know, but I've busted out of jail before!
["Waiter"] And little do *you* know, but you're not going to regular jail, mister smarty-boots!
[STG] *gulp* You mean this is maximum security? I've seen Oz, I know that that's a pretty intense place.
["Waiter."] No, this is worse than maximum security. This is The Fortress.
[STG] The what, now?
["Waiter"] The Fortress. You know, where we send all the super-criminals. You'll find that your powers and gimicks won't work to get you out of here.
[STG] Supervillain prison?!? They'll eat me alive! (Especially if I end up in a cell with Carnage...) You gotta get me out of here! I've been framed, I tell ya!
["Waiter"] Tell it to the judge. Wait, you won't be seeing a judge. Guess I lied about that, too.
[STG] Poopie.
#2571
[PM] Wait! Turn the car around!
Date: 12/22/2002
From: PharaohMobius
<<<Change of Heart Mode>>>
[Buffalo] Whut? Whah do yew want me tuh turn arayound now, boss?
[Sam] Yeah, aren't we going to go kill off that Servo dude? Not that I mind the change, mind you. You were pretty un-mellow there for a bit.
[PM] Nah, I don't really want to kill him. I... don't know what came over me.
[Sam] Could be Blahplestian Flu. I hear it's going around.
[PM] Now that you mention it, I *have* been fighting off some kind of bug for the last few days...
[Sam] Yeah, sounds like Blahplestian Flu, then.
[Buffalo] Mah Uncle Goober hayad Blerbustiglbubibble whatchamajig before! He got laid up fer durn nigh upon fahve weeks!
[PM, ignoring Buffalo.] That settles it. Take me back so I can take the proper medicine.
[Sam, also ignoring Buffalo.] Will do, Big Daddy. [He turns the truck around.]
[Ten minutes later, PM is more relaxed after having taken medicine to combat Blahplestian Flu.]
[PM] Ahhh. I sure am more relaxed now that I've taken medicine to combat Blahplestian Flu!
[I just said that.]
[PM] Whatever. Say! What's this message on the commo screen? [He looks at the computer screen.] Dah! Sexy seniors and their naughty farm equipment? Sick! [He closes the popup window. Another pop-up appears, and PM closes it, too. Three dozen popup windows later...] Hey! Check it out! Underneath all those plehhy porn popups is a distress call from Linky! She's stranded in the sea, somewhere! Let's go get her, guys!
[Rick] Aliterate much, Boss?
[PM] Rats! You're right, Rick! I must make some medicine to nix this noisome nattering! And then, we speed off to save my sidekick!
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
That was going to be part of my last reply,
but the "Post Reply" button *really* wanted me to push it.
Sarcophagus!
#2572
<Tork comes out of his room>
Date: 12/23/2002
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
............................................................
Tork: Say, Lita, I just wanted to talk to you about-- GAH!!1!! What the hell???
Lita: Oh, don't mind those people. They say they're ServoTheGoat's family.
Tork: Huh? <He looks where Lita poins. The family is sitting at a table drinking coffee> Woah, I didn't even notice them. Actually, I was talking about that poster! I've never seen anything so hideous--
Lita: It's of Bono! Isn't it the coolest thing ever??
Tork: --ssly beautiful. Or something. So what's the deal with STG's family?
Lita: I don't know. They just showed up. They said they're looking for him.
Tork: How did they know where the lair is?
Lita: Lucky guess. They were just going door to door and they found us.
Tork: Yeah... but... um... We don't have a door.
Lita: We don't...
Tork: This is a secret hideout. The entrance is disguised so you can't see it, remember? There's no actual door. Just the ground flips up all weird-like.
Lita: Oh yeah... So how did they know we were even here?
Tork: I don't think they are who they say they are.
Lita: Hey, you guys? Are you really STG's family?
The Family: Yes, we're Red's family! Do you know where he is? <They're good at talking in chorus>
Lita: <to Tork again> They say they are his family.
Tork: We don't know what they want with him! They might be planning to kill him!
Lita: ...and the downside of that is...?
Tork: LITA!!!
Lita: *sigh* Fine. Hey, Family. Are you planning to kill STG when you find him?
Family: ... no...
Lita: That was an awfully long pause. Are you sure?
Family: <nervous glances> ...Yes?
Tork: If you don't want to kill STG, then what's with the machetes you guys are holding behind your backs?
Family: ... uh...
<Just then 42 comes in and turns on the TV.>
42: Time for CSI! Doh! It's been pre-empted for a plehhy news report!
Old Lady: Hey! That's Red on the TV!
Old Man: And he's been arrested!
Younger Man: Let's go on over there and stab him with our machetes-- er... I mean... Let's go find him and hug him and tell him we love him!
Rest of the family: Yeah!
<The family up and leaves.>
Lita: Well, that's a relief. I'm going to go call 8714 and have her change the locks again.
<As Lita goes to make the call, Tork slides over next to Lita42, who has turned off the tv in disgust.>
Tork: Um... 42?
42: Yes, Tork?
Tork: I know we never got along very well...
42: Huh.
Tork: And I know you never did like me at all... for some reason.
42: I liked you, Tork! You're the one who never liked me!
Tork: See, you're wrong there, but anyway--
42: I am not! I even made you cookies that one time!
Tork: Yes...
42: Because I liked you and I thought you were nice!!
Tork: ...
42: And then you said all those mean things about me...
Tork: Look... I'm sorry about that, all right?
42: *sniff*
Tork: And I've been feeling really bad about everything, so I wanted to apologize... and... um... I got you a gift.
42: Hmph.
Tork: I remembered how sad you were when you lost your orangutan--
42: *sniff* Flopsey...
Tork: Yeah, Flopsey.
42: You... You actually remember that? I thought you didn't care.
Tork: Of course I remember! And I thought you'd want another pet to take care of. So...
<Tork holds up a goldfish bowl with one goldfish swimming around inside.>
42: <her eyes get wide> Woah... Is it a boy or a girl?
Tork: Um... I don't know...
42: What's it's name?
Tork: I guess that's up to you--
42: I want to name him Splashey!
Tork: That's a great name.
42: Oh, thank you, Tork! This is so nice of you! I'll take really good care of Splashy too! <42 hugs Tork> I'm gonna go fix up his bowl and feed him right now!
Tork: Yeah, ok.
42: Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!11! <She runs off to take care of Splashy>
Tork: So... Does this mean she doesn't hate me now?
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Ahhh... Togetherness...
#2573
Next up in the Christmas Pageant...
Date: 12/23/2002
From: SantaMobius
<<<Out Of Continuity Pageant! Mode>>>
[Lita, Evil Mike, 42, and 6969 have all joined the audience, and PM and some of his people have gotten up. The curtain opens again to reveal Sam at the piano, Buffalo with his guitar, and PM, Nabut, and Rick all dressed up as Wise Men. They're holding fancy-looking gifts and everything!]
[PM, whispering to Buffalo] Now remember, leave the singing up to us!
[Sam begins to play on the piano, followed by Buffalo (who's not doing half bad). After the short intro, PM, Nabut, and Rick start to sing.]
[PM, Nabut, and Rick] o/` We three kings of Orient are o/`
o/` Bearing gifts, we traverse afar, o/`
o/` Field and fountain, moor and mountain, o/`
o/` Following yonder star. Ohhhhhhhhh.....o/`
o/` Star of wonder, star of light, o/`
o/` Star with royal beauty bright, o/`
o/` Westward leading, still proceeding, o/`
o/` Guide us to thy perfect light. o/`
[PM, holding up a gold crown.] o/` Born a King on Bethelehem's plain, o/`
o/` Gold I bring to crown Him again, o/`
o/` King forever, ceasing never, o/`
o/' Over us all to reign. Ohhhhhhhhh.....o/`
[PM, Nabut, and Rick] o/` Star of wonder, star of light, o/`
o/` Star with royal beauty bright, o/`
o/` Westward leading, still proceeding, o/`
o/` Guide us to thy perfect light. o/`
[Nabut, holding up an ornate censer] o/` Frankencense to offer have I, o/`
o/` Incense owns a diety nigh; o/`
o/` Prayer and praising, voices raising, o/`
o/` Worshiping God on high. Ohhhhhhhhh.....o/`
[PM, Nabut, and Rick]o/` Star of wonder, star of light, o/`
o/` Star with royal beauty bright, o/`
o/` Westward leading, still proceeding, o/`
o/` Guide us to thy perfect light. o/`
[Rick, holding up an alabaster jar.] o/` Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume o/`
o/` Breathes a life of gathering gloom; o/`
o/` Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying, o/`
[Buffalo stops playing.] Wayit a goldurn minute naow!
[Sam stops playing abruptly, and looks away, embarassed. PM doesn't look any too happy with Buffalo.]
[PM] Buffalo! Didn't I say, "No noise comes out of your mouth during the performance!"?
[Buffalo] Yeah, boss, but thayat wuz before Ah realahzed whut an awrful song yer havin' us perform!
[PM, even more exasperated.] "We Three Kings" is a traditional Christmas carol. What, praytell, is wrong with it?
[Buffalo] Jest lissin tuh it! "Bleedin'"? "Dahyin"?!? Whut kahnd uh Chrismiss song iz thayat tuh sing?
[PM, with an air of forced patience.] You see, because Myrrh was used in embalming in the ancient world, this part of the song looks forward to the Crucifixion of Christ for the sins of the world. You know, the *whole reason* for the incarnation in the first place?
[Buffalo] Yew know an awrful lot about Bahble stuff fer an Ejipshun.
[PM] I fail to see what that has to do wi--
[Rick] No, he's right, Boss. I thought you were all into that Egyptian pantheon mumbo jumbo?
[PM] Rick, until you're ready to help I suggest you have a heaping cup of SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
[Rick] Ouch! Sorry, Boss...
[Buffalo] Aynd besahds, whut in thuh hayell does Frankinstein have tuh do with Chrissmus? Yew shur this ain't no Halloweenie song?
[PM, who's clearly about had it by this poin.] Yes. You know, I have a perfectly reasonable answer to all your questions.
[Buffalo] Rilley? Whut's thayat?
[PM poins out into the audience.] Look right out there. You see that?
[Buffalo] Whut? Ah don-- [But that's as far as he gets before PM grabs Buffalo's guitar and smashes it over his head. He follows that up by kicking Buffalo right off the stage, into the orchestra pit.]
[PM] *There.* Does that answer everyone's questions?
[Audience] ...
[The rest of PM's group.] Yes, Boss! It sure does!
[PM, cheefully.] Great! Now let's finish the song!
[Lita walks onstage and taps PM gingerly on the shoulder, as if afraid of what he might do in response.] Ummm, PM?
[PM] What? Oh, hi Lita. What's up?
[Lita] Maybe you should just end your song here.
[PM] Why? We still have our big finish to do!
[Lita] Well, you see, PM...
[PM] Yes?
[Lita] The mood of your performance-- which was quite good up to Buffalo interrupting, don't get me wrong-- is, well, ruined.
[PM] The interruption ruined the atmosphere that much?
[Lita] Yes. --In a manner of speaking, that is.
[PM] Oh.
[Lita] And it doesn't help matters much that Buffalo's just twitching there in the orchestra pit. It's making everyone pretty uncomfortable, actually. And that gurgling sound he's making...
[PM, noticing that gurgling for the first time.] Ugh. I guess you're right. Guys, let's end it here.
[Lita] Thank you.
[PM has a couple of his shocktroopers pick Buffalo up and escort him out of the concert hall (presumably to the hospital).]
The mad Santa Mobius
That darned Buffalo!
One-horse open Sarcohpagus!
#2574
Manute: Manute's turn!
Date: 12/24/2002
From: St_Mickalous
Lita: Who invited him again?
Mickey: I don't know. He just showed up.
Manute: Warm room good.
(Minutes later, Manute appears on stage wearing....a sequined jump suit?)
Mickey: Oh dear lord......
Manute: o/' Manute have Blue Christmas with oud you o/'
o/' Manute be so blue thinking a bout you o/'
Lita: Can this get any worse?
Rimmi: Why did you have to say that?
(Gheorge Muresan, Shawn Bradley, and Yao Ming all join Manute on stage and start singing harmony)
Manute: o/' You be doin' all right, with Christmas of white o/'
o/' But Manute have blue, blue Christmas o/'
(Crickets chirping)
Manute: Ah go to hell
Jolly ol' St. Mick
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Post Narc x4
Elvis is alive and well and is 7'7" tall
#2575
Happy christmas!
Date: 12/24/2002
From: LinkyDragonclaw
(Linky and Niner are on stage, this time, with PM, Rick, and Sam back in the audience. Buffalo is laying down attached to a life support system in the aisle.)
Linky: Happy christmas, everyone! And now my wee addition to get into the Christmas spirit before I migrate down to Florida. Niner and I will now perform our own version of A Christmas Carol, starring Niner as Scrooge!
Niner: Bah humbug.
Linky: That's right, Niner! Unfortunately, I bit off more than I can chew, so I'm borrowing henchmen. Hope you don't mind!
(Linky gestures wildly and Nabut, Sam, and Rick head up on stage.)
Linky: Hi, guys! You ready?
Rick: Sure thing, sweetheart.
Linky: Okay! Now, our story starts with--
(A stage hand scampers out onto the stage and whispers something in Linky's ear)
Linky: What?! Whaddya mean our slot's been cut?
(The stage hand continues to murmur quietly)
Linky: Tork squeezed in a last minute performance?? Awwww, snap! Fine, fine. . . so how much time do we have?
(Mumble mumble)
Linky: Five minutes?! You're kidding!! Ooohh. . . fine! Well, let's do it! I want my christmas play, god dammit!
(Linky hastily shoves the stagehand behind the curtain and rushes back to the centre of the stage)
Linky: Our story starts with a guy called Scrooge, and he doesn't like Christmas!
(Niner hurries on stage)
Niner: Bah humbug!
Linky: Right! And he was cruel to one of his poor workers!
(Nabut comes out looking not-at-all poor and more like a henchman forced to play an emotional role)
Nabut: Please, sir, my son's a cripple and we'd like to wish you a merry christmas.
Niner: Bah humbug!
Nabut: Ah!
(Nabut runs off stage again)
Linky: And then the ghost of his deceased partner, Jacob Marley, showed up!
(Rick comes out on stage wearing chains)
Rick: These are the chains of my greed! You have to be nice or you will suffer like I am!
Niner: Bah humbug!
(Rick leaves again)
Linky: And so he slept, and while he slept the ghost of Christmas past came to him!
(Sam comes out decked in disco clothing)
Niner: Bah. . . humbug?
Sam: Hey, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past. It works. Look, Scrooge, at your past. See how depressing it was? And your lady love. . . she. . . uhh. . . malfunctioned! And that's why you hate Christmas!
Niner: Bah humbug!
Sam: Change before it's too late, Scrooge!
(Sam leaves)
Linky: And then he was visited by the ghost of Christmas Present!
(Rick comes out on stilts, wobbling around a bit)
Rick: Look! We'll go see your nephew who we forgot to mention but you were mean to! Look how happy he is, and how they all don't like you but pity you! See, Scrooge? You should change!
Niner: Bah humbug!
Rick: Okay, fine, let's go look at the worker you were mean to!
(Nabut rushes on stage and pretends to carve a turkey)
Nabut: My poor crippled son will die because he's so weak and ill. If only Scrooge would give us a raise.
Niner: *sniffle* bah. . . humbug. . .
Rick: It's not too late to change, Scrooge!
Niner: . . .
(Rick and Nabut both leave, and Sam comes back wearing a black cloak)
Linky: And finally, the ghost of Christmas Future arrived, and he was an ominous sort of guy! He said nothing, but led Scrooge to the cemetary where he saw the grave of Tim, the poor crippled son, and he felt sad!
Niner: (sadly) Bah humbug
Linky: And then the ghost of christmas future showed him another grave, and Scrooge was shocked to find it was his own! He'd die miserable and alone because he was such a. . . a. . . Scrooge! He begged for forgiveness, promising he would change, and the ghost of Christmas Future brought down his scythe. . .
Niner: Ahhhh!
Linky: And he awoke to find himself in his own bed! No ghosts anywhere, just the birds chirping!
(Niner rushes to the window)
Niner: You there, boy, could you tell me what the local date is?
Nabut: Why, it's christmas morning!
Linky: And Scrooge blessed the boy and gave him gold! And then he went and gave gifts to his nephew and wished him a happy christmas! And then he went to visit his poor employee, and he gave them gifts and christmas day off! And then he stayed with them and carved the turkey, and they were all happy!
(They all boy, and then are pushed off stage by the stagehand)
Linky: Oh, bah humbug!
~~
Linky Dragonclaw
Leaving for Florida
Happy Christmas, and see you all when I get back!
#2576
TftD Christmas Story
Date: 12/24/2002
From: Tork_110
Note: This takes place after the pageant. For those who still want to make pageant replies, you can just claim that your reply happens before this one.
<All the cast members of TftD are gathered together at MSTBlanca. There, that's all the setting you're going to get.>
Rimmi: I have an fun idea. Let's tell a Christmas story. We'll each take turns telling it. I'll start with something simple:
One year, this girl wanted a gift. She had been really good, and she wanted this gift more than anything. However, her parents told her that Santa couldn't get her that gift. The girl thought her only chance was to go to Santa. She went to the mall and.......
Lita6969: This girl was 18. She sat on Santa's lap and told him that she wanted a boyfriend. Santa, who was really muscular, whispered sweet nothings into her ear. Then, 3 shirtless elves who were really handsome walked up and flexed their muscles and...
Mickey: One of those guys, whose ass isn't chop liver, walked up to the girl and offered to buy her some soup. She really liked him, and who could blame her? He had invented pants, and he was a nice guy. However, his henchmen's bodily odor was too much for her. He never saw her again, but he did get a present that year when he later slapped Sunshine in the face with a trout. Heh heh...
Lita: Another girl was shopping. She had a very long list. She had to buy chapstick for girl234, and a sweater for girl1235, and a nice pair of boots for girl51, and...well, anyway, she was real tired, and wanted to take a rest from shopping, so girl8463 and girl6964 took her list and...
ServoTheGreat: All of a sudden, Santa showed up, and took a rocket launcher out of his bag. He fired at anyone who didn't like Venom. As that was going on, elves - who were riding elephants - were chasing after all the girls who looked like that one girl....
PM: But then the first girl woke up. She was tired, and she had fallen asleep on the bench, but before she had time to think about her odd dream, she ran up to Santa. She would have waited through a long line, but Santa's elves were incompetant. =/ Santa used his Giftalator 5400 to figure out what gift she wanted....
Tork: She wanted a GameCube, and she wanted it to come with Metroid Prime, which looks really good. She also wanted Pac-man World 2, because the first one was really good. She asked Santa for a sequel to Earthbound, and Santa said he'd see what he could do. Santa gave her a coupon to the local MSTcuttery so she could have a haircut of the future....
Sunday: Then a guy with a robot costume entered the mall. He stared at the girl who made the haircut famous, but tragedy struck. Neither of them lived to see Christmas, especially the guy, who was bleeding heavily but was forced to mop up his own blood because I sure as hell wasn't going to clean that up...
Tork: 8oO ....
Lita2780: The girl asked Santa for a collar for her kitty. Her kitty was the bestest kitty in the world. Then, Santa and the girl got ice cream and watched cartoons....
EM: But when the little girl wasn't looking, Santa walked up and started punching all the losers in the mall. And if any of them groaned, he would kick them and hit them with a pool stick. He enjoyed pouring hot scalding soup on one of those idiots. He then ran off with all the women who lied to themselves and pretended that they didn't want to sleep with him. Did I mention that the elves were sent to Santa's agony booth, while hot models replaced them? score!...
manosgirl: One woman walked up to that one guy and gave him plenty of smooches. She also brought the Women of Manos, to help all the people who had been beaten up by Santa. She later brought booze and everyone had a wonderful time...
LKF: And then the girl mooet a tiny, ceramooic cow. She rescued him fromoo the idiots that the cow was forced to be with. The cow and the girl ran off never to be seen again, which mooade the cow happy. Later, the cow turned back into a humooan and dumooped the girl for a young lady WHO WASN'T A DAMOON CLONE. The end. Moo. I'moo leaving.
<the cow leaves.>
Rimmi: Let's never try this again.
gramps: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tork_110
This took forever to write. Enjoy.
Linky, wurwolf, and Dumbschmoe were also there, so please pretend I gave them lines. It's funnier if you use your imagination.
#2577
Merry Christmas!
Date: 12/25/2002
From: Tork_110
n/t
Next up: R.I.P. Splashy
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